


Neverland

by TheSnapeWeCanDreamOf (TheGuardian219)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kinda, Neverland, Occlumency, Peter Pan References, Severus Snape Angst, Severus whump, Torture, cover blown, mind palace kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 18:03:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16938078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGuardian219/pseuds/TheSnapeWeCanDreamOf
Summary: Severus' cover is blown and to protect the Order's secrets he delves deep inside his mind and remembers things he thought he forgot.The boy broke into a victorious grin that made Severus question his sanity. “We can go to Neverland now!” The boy looked like a professor when one of his students finally got the lesson.Severus blinked before being assaulted by memories of nights re-reading the muggle book about the boy who never grew up. Lily showed it to him once, didn’t she, when they were children. “Start speaking sense!” He growled, unwilling to visit such memories.“You couldn’t fly before because you had too many things weighing you down, but they’re gone now. At least most of them!” The boy grabbed his hand and pulled. He moved his hand to wrench it free. “I have no memory of such a thing.”“Why are you being so difficult? You were in the astronomy tower, remember? I heard you! I couldn’t take you away back then, but we can go now!”





	Neverland

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr is having a meltdown and I'm saving my works here just in case.

_“Occlumency will be a skill you have to develop, if not for your sake, then for the unfortunate souls who would dare brave your temper.”_

_“I need your oath that what happened that night will remain between us, Severus.”_

_“Had enough, Snivellous?”_

_“I’ve made excuses for you for years.”_

His head was throbbing. His nose twitched at the smell of disinfectant, was he in the hospital-wing? He tried to swallow and found his throat dry, he struggled to hear any sign that somebody was near, but it was futile. His eyes fluttered open and he gazed at the plain white tiles of the ceiling. Hospital-wing it was.

He maneuvered himself to a sitting position and tried to feel what was wrong in his body. A fluttering in the corner of his eyes had him whipping his head only to find that the window was open, and the curtains are being blown by the wind. There was a warming charm cast upon his bed for he did not feel the chill.

Where exactly was he?

“Oh, you’re back.” A voice piped somewhere from a corner.

“Where did I go?” He asked as he glanced around to find the rather young voice.

A head popped up from the floor and he angled his head to see the floor covered with crayons and parchment that contained various drawings. He raised an eyebrow at the child. “What are you doing here?”

“You’ve been gone for a while. You said you had to take care of something, it took you ages to get back.” The child approached the bed. Severus wondered what potion he was on, the nerve of the child to sit on the bed with him was astounding, was he a wayward child of a professor, he wondered.

“I don’t know who you are.” He said frankly. The child seemed familiar in a way that people seem unremarkable, he had no such distinguishing features, merely a face in the crowd. Yet he seemed almost familiar.

“I’ve always been here. You just haven’t seen much of me.” The boy grinned cheekily at him.

Something was wrong with him, a potion must have been slipped into him, his head feels like an elf stuffed it with cotton of the finest qualities. He was feeling calm and peaceful, he might be able to even fall asleep if he lays down his head on the pillow. Yet there was this itch in his brain that wouldn’t let him rest. There was something wrong.

“What am I even doing here, I don’t feel hurt.” Much. The throbbing in his head was reduced to a mild ache, the fuzz was making him numb.

“You had an accident.” The impish smile was back, his eyes glittering. Severus glared suspiciously and decided to take the statement as it was meant to be interpreted. He glanced at his hands only to have to double-take. They looked different, the stains were gone, they looked smaller and-no. No. No.

“How did this happen?” He whispered. The child peaked at him through messy locks. “It doesn’t matter.” He shrugged. Severus tore his eyes off his body and pierced the child with his most loathsome glare. “It does matter.” He looked at the child incredulously, “I have to fix this.”

The child hopped of the bed and put his hands on his hips. “I don’t think you should be fixing anything you- “

“You don’t understand he might- “Severus stopped. His brows pinched in confusion.

The boy broke into a victorious grin that made Severus question his sanity. “We can go to Neverland now!” The boy looked like a professor when one of his students finally got the lesson.

Severus blinked before being assaulted by memories of nights re-reading the muggle book about the boy who never grew up. Lily showed it to him once, didn’t she, when they were children. “Start speaking sense!” He growled, unwilling to visit such memories.

“You couldn’t fly before because you had too many things weighing you down, but they’re gone now. At least most of them!” The boy grabbed his hand and pulled. He moved his hand to wrench it free. “I have no memory of such a thing.” Was the child referring to his age or something else?

“Why are you being so difficult? You were in the astronomy tower, remember? I heard you! I couldn’t take you away back then, but we can go now!”

Severus’ head was swimming. The ache began pulsing anew as he tried to disentangle himself from the cotton in his mind. He cursed his existence once more. “I’m quite sure I have plenty of things to work on and not one of them include going to a fictional land with a child.” Even as he said this, he could feel his body rebel.

“Why bother?” The child whined. “People don’t thank you for your work, you’re just being used like a machine!”

“Not every one of us can be like a child and expect the world to cater to his every whim.” He growled. Severus’ patience was wearing thin and the boy was striking to close.

“That’s why I want you to come with me to Neverland. Captain Hook may be a pain, but the Lost Boys and Peter Pan will always save the day with the help of Tinkerbell!” The boy was practically vibrating with joy and excitement, it hurt to even look at him. The arms the boy waved in the air stilled and slowly came back down as his grin diminished. “Neverland is fair,” The boy put his hand a top his, successfully gaining Severus’ full attention, “Neverland won’t bring you pain.” The sober declaration had Snape pulling back.

_“Crucio!”_

The echo of the curse made him shiver and he began shaking. He pressed his arms against his body to try and suppress it. “You don’t have to keep on fighting.” His body ached. The phantom burn of his arm made him want to weep.

_“And what will you give me in return, Severus?”_

“I can’t go.” He whispered.

“Why not?” The boy asked, his voice rising in frustration. The child reached out and Severus flinched away. “You’re a little short of faith, trust, and pixie dust.” He teased the little boy, he wasn’t much amused.

_“Today he is no more a Death Eater than I am!”_

“You don’t have to be grown up anymore.” The child placed his small hands on his cheeks to gain his attention, when did he climb on the bed?

“Some would say I never did.” He scoffed, trying to pull away.

“I would say you never even had a chance to be a kid!”

Severus wanted to snap at the child but something in the boy made his chest ache. He opened his mouth to say something but suddenly there was a sharp pain in his head, he pulled away from the boy and placed his hands on his temple, willing to stop the pressure, he might have been screaming but he was well past the point of caring. Then it stopped.

He could hear a voice breaking through the fog in his mind.

“You have to decide now. Captain Hook is breaching your defenses. Can’t you hear the cannons?” Wide eyes gazed at him with the utmost urgency, small hands gripped his shoulders.

“Captain...?” He wasn’t able to finish his sentence before the boy was upon him again.

“He’ll make you turn into an adult again. Don’t you see? You’ll be miserable again and- “Tears were almost leaking from the child’s eyes in desperation. He grabbed the child’s shoulders and looked deeply into his eyes, “Calm down, boy. What has gotten you so upset?”

“You still haven’t figured it out?” The child wailed and tightened his hold.

Severus felt his temper rising, it was about time it showed itself. He took a breath to calm himself before taking the hands that gripped him and lowering them back at the boy’s side. “Make me see what’s gotten you so upset.” The boy swiped at his eyes to get rid of his tears, the brash and obnoxious child became so timid so quickly that Severus felt a twinge of pity.

“You had an accident.”

“We’ve established that, yes.” Severus hoped he could control himself. He has never hit a child and he was not going to start now.

The child shook his head, he sat cross-legged, and Severus mimicked him, sitting directly across at the distressed child. “No. I didn’t say what kind of accident, did I?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve seen some memories before you woke up, you assumed they were dreams or some sort.” Severus nodded, urging him to continue. “They were memories. Time works differently here,” He said wistfully, as if his thoughts were drifting.

“Where is here?”

The boy let out a small smile, “Your mind.”

He was mad. Perhaps he has gone around the bend and finally snapped.

“Please continue.” Snape said in a controlled voice.

“You were passing through your own occlumency shields. It’s been years since you’ve been here.”

That made no sense. His head began to ache further. “How do you even know about occlumency shields?”

The child smiled wryly at him. “Don’t you remember? I don’t suppose you do. Try imagining legilimizing yourself and getting lost in your own mind. But different.”

“That made less sense than your previous statement.” He narrowed his eyes.

“At least try to remember. You’ve retreated to the inner-most part of your mind. Don’t you remember this place? You’ve been studying occlumency for many reasons, you even brought the practice here because you’ve spent so much time in the infirmary during that year. You’ve seen this as a safe haven and built walls around it, even going as far as building weaker walls for others to demolish so that they’d believe your half-truths. This is all happening in your mind.”

Severus was silent. He was in his own mind. The mind was complex and yet he has read that it worked with metaphors. Just what was his subconscious telling him. “Neverland.” He whispered. It was his most hidden desire, a place to call home where nothing may hurt him. “Peter Pan.” The boy who took lost boys and took them to Neverland.

The boy looked at him shrewdly. “You’re arguing with your subconscious. And it’s saying that you should go to Neverland.”

Was he? Was this all happening in his head? He saw the boy studying his face. Severus’ mind finally caught up and his lips turned upwards for a smirk. “No. It’s trying to play clever. It’s convincing me to go back by means of reverse psychology.” The boy stayed silent, Severus sighed. Was he disappointed that he wasn’t wrong?

“What happened to me?” The child bit his lip.

“You were tortured. Both physically and by cruciatus.”

“Sounds like a regular Friday night.” He said offhandedly.

“No. It was worse. Your cover’s blown” Severus’ eyes widened. “How…” Flashes of memory passes through his eyes.

“Tell me why you betrayed me, my little snake?”

“We’ve given you so much, Severus. Why did you betray us to the people who scorn you?”

“You will scream for mercy. I will make sure of it.”

“No resting for you, traitor.”

“Two days.” Two days before he was found by the order, bleeding and near broken. He could remember their faces just before he collapsed. Two days of almost non-stop torture in the hands of the most ruthless lot in Britain. It only took two days-

“The cruciatus- “Has he gone mad? Is this what mad people see while trapped inside their minds?

“No.” The boy said, “You’ve retreated here to keep their secrets safe. And to keep you from going mad.” The boy had the decency to hide his amusement, though not that much since Severus noticed him smothering a laugh. This was no laughing matter though and Severus wondered if his attempts to keep his sanity were successful.

The peaceful atmosphere helped his mind to process everything with clarity. Perhaps if he managed this kind of peace in the real world, Longbottom wouldn’t be melting six cauldrons in five days.

“Your job is done. You can no longer spy on the Dark Lord. Your secrets will di- “The boy stopped himself by putting his hand in his mouth.

Suddenly everything made sense.

“Death. That’s what Neverland represents in my mind?” He had guessed as such. It was a rather morbid thought.

The boy shook his head. “It’s what it became.”

“Neverland was once a dream, a place where you could escape your problems. But you began to doubt such a place exists especially when you grew up. After your first year in Hogwarts.” The boy avoided his eyes. “For years your mind struggled not to destroy itself with darkness, you struggled so much between the light and the dark. All the spying and pretending took its toll. Now the closest thing to peace in your mind is death.” The boy was in near tears once again though he tried to hide it now.

Severus cocked his head and narrowed his eyes, “How do you know that the order’s secrets are safe? For all I know I’m currently in the permanent residency wing in St. Mungo’s.”

The boy pouted with the change of subject. “Your mind is like a labyrinth built around here. This is the center. Memories both truth and false make up the walls leading to different rooms that houses different secrets. You haven’t realized how complex your shields are, I suppose occlumency is different for everybody, all the book you read said so.”

“The rooms that contain anything else remains to be unbreeched?” Severus had to make sure.

“That’s what I just said!” The boy crossed his arms.

“Then what had been breached?”

“The decoy room of the order. And a few personal memories.” Severus winced and didn’t ask which of them. He’d find out later once he’s back in control of his mind.

“No, you won’t.” The child shook his head, not even pretending that he wasn’t privy to Severus’ thought.

“What do you mean?”

“This is all happening in your mind. I know because I was there when the Dark Lord blasted through your shield. The mind will always be aware to what is happening though it cannot always properly tell the body what’s going on. It might come back to you when you regain consciousness, but it won’t be clear.” The child explained.

“Everything seems so organized here.” Severus remarked as he processed the child’s words.

“I’m a representation of your thoughts. Asking for information is easier than trifling through hundreds of data.”

Snape frowned at the boy. “Why are you a child then, if you are a representation of myself?”

The boy grinned at him. “You built this place pretty young.”

“Not as young as you.”

“True. I don’t know. Why would you have a boy who never grows up as a representation of yourself? Someone who longs for Neverland but is bound to stay here.” The boy gazed at his bare wrists as if shackles were upon them. “Not every chain is visible, Severus.” The boy followed his train of thought.

“I don’t want to leave here. Everything is so peaceful.” The image of chaos and anarchy in his mind was the exact opposite of his inner-most mind, the stress and the pain haven’t penetrated him completely. “You can’t stay here. You have to leave either way.” The boy’s eyes held the small hope that he’d accept the offer, ignoring what has been said earlier. He wanted to. Really, he did.

“I have a duty.” Even as he spoke the words, he knew his heart was not in it.

“I suggest you get to it then. Not that you’d remember all of this clearly.” The boy looked dejected.

“One more question.” Severus said as he paused. “Who’s really Captain Hook in my mind?”

The child cocked his head. “You know who.” The child grinned at him, the mischief once again back in his eyes.

He nodded and sent a small smile to the boy. Heaven knows he needed it back when he was young. The boy gave a genuine smile at him before he was swallowed by a fog. Pulling him from within his thoughts.

Severus braced himself. He could hear faint voices, voices from memories both real and not. As he reached his outer walls, he could feel a presence. He tentatively reached out, to feel who it was prodding his mind. It was the Headmaster, of course. He breathed a sigh as he realized he was back in Hogwarts. The Dark Lord could never mimic Albus’ resiliency.

—————————————————————————————————-

Albus gasped as Severus brushed against him. He broke the Legillemens and watched as the dark blank eyes gain their shine, blinking as if to dispel the fog that clouded itself.

“Albus?” The voice cracked.

“Severus. I’m here, child.”

The Headmaster assisted his professor to sit up and have a glass of water. Joy filled his whole being as proof that Severus has not slipped into the veil nor madness sat before him. “It’s alright, Severus. It’s okay now.” He whispered as the tremors continued to rack the professor’s body while he struggled to drink.

“He knows.” He rasped, and Albus lowered him back to the bed, pulling the blanket back up to Snape’s chin. “We know Severus. It took two days before we found you, it has now been four days after you were rescued, we-”

“How?”

“It was all so terrible. You failed to return to Hogwarts after you have been summoned, without giving word of your extended absence. It was purely luck the Mundungus stumbled upon the information that a spy has been discovered in the Dark Lord’s circle. Either you have gained some potential allies, or someone is trying to get you indebted to them, there was a tip of where you were being kept.”

“And you followed it? Are you mad?” His surprise was what hurt Dumbledore the most.

“It was the only clue we had, Severus. And to be fair, it was more like a riddle than actual information. It took me quite a few hours, with the help of Alastor and Minerva. I will not bore you with details, you must rest.” Albus chided the defiant look on Severus’ eyes.

“You should not have taken such risks. How many have died because of that mission?”

“Nobody has died. I rather think that Tom was confident no one will look for you.” Dumbledore said lightly, trying to ignore how Snape retreated to himself. “I would never leave you to them, Severus.”

“Of course not, Headmaster.” Dumbledore sighed and took Severus’ chin so he could look into his eyes. “I would never leave you to them, Severus. You’re being a spy has nothing to do with it.”

Albus smiled to himself as the young man turned his face away, a scowl on his face.

“You should have just left me to die, Headmaster. I have no use now anyway.”

“I rather think differently, Severus. To live would be an awfully big adventure! Bigger than dying, I daresay.” The Headmaster sighed as Severus sank into his foul moods just after he broke free from whatever chained him to his mind. “We feared you would slip before our eyes, my boy. The state you were in when we found you-” Albus bit his lip as he remembered.

Severus turned to face him, wide-eyed and brows almost reaching a height Albus never saw them reach before. “You went with the rescue party? Are you complete and utterly mad?”

“I was the one to trust the tip, it seemed only right that I join them.” Albus glanced at the clock by Pomfrey’s office. “You better rest up, Severus, you’ve had quite an ordeal. I shall inform Poppy that you awoke for a few moments.” Albus winked as he adjusted the blankets around Snape.

Before Severus could fall asleep, he spotted a book by the bedside table and he squinted to read it.

_J.M. Barrie?_  Severus had a feeling that it was important though he didn’t have time to ponder it for he was already asleep before he finished reading.

 


End file.
